If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
