Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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