You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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