i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
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