there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
