i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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