We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
