i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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