When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I think your dad took our porno
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
