What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
