Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
