glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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