dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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