3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
We're not piercing ourselves today.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
