her vagine was all disorganized.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
All I want is dick and wine.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
