there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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