We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
