Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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