Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
