Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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