Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
