and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
