I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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