Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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