I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
