Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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