My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
