i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
