We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
