i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
