I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
