You smell like a Billy Joel song
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
