my phone needs a breathalizer
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
