just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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