I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
