Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I don't deserve a penis
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
