when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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