Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
