peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize