i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
