I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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