Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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