I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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