I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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