Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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