I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
