I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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