He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
