He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Pooping to opera.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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