Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
