Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
