Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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