Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
