My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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