he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
