Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
