she kept yelling 'call me bella'
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Randomize
