so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
