"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
