Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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