I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
